With the Underminer, It’s Never About You

There is a certain style of “friend” who capitalizes when they see you feeling deficient, who knock you all the way down once you let on you’re already low. This sort of person takes the opportunity to compliment herself once you freely admit to your own vulnerability in response to your sharing a problem, especially something self-deprecating (which is a problem in an of itself), rather than holding space for you. Predatory friendships subsist on one party’s gaining the upper hand, and when you take the competitive dynamic away, there often isn’t much nourishment to be found.

It’s Not Personal

One thing to hold in mind when you feel undermined is that every action of another reflects how they feel about themselves, not what they think and feel about you. It’s not about you when someone hurts you. There is no law stating that you have to stay small and take on any uninvited comparison to your dilemma, or be the scapegoat for another’s internal conflict.

It Can Be Lonely to Grow

There will be a liminal adjustment phase to almost every close relationship as we begin to know ourselves more deeply and start to change in significant ways. Some people like it when we go to therapy and they change right along with us, gaining from our wisdom and insight. Others don’t appreciate the upset in how things used to be and how we now act differently, which may indicate they feel jealous and thrown off by our new boundaries and our new self confidence expressed in taking care of ourselves first. Unconsciously, they may get competitive about how we are now compared to how they knew us when we were smaller and they could stand on our shoulders to feel taller.

Slow Down and Get Curious

If we notice that we are being undermined in any friendship or family dynamic or romantic relationship, it’s on us to take a step back and to clarify with them, and to create a safer distance for our protection, whatever form that may take.

Do you have any underminers you need to never mind?